Either he doesnt realize how much of a Ricardo Cabeza hes being and will totally back off when you state your boundaries, or hell double down and youll know that hed much rather be a Helper and Fixer than actually love you for you right now. Feeling frustrated with behaviors that contribute to a bad situation? This doesnt sound like theyre frustrated, and it doesnt sound like theyre experiencing personal distress. There will be someone else out there who is willing to make an effort for you. Towards the end of our relationship, he became toxic, rude, and lazy. I went through a phase when I asked him if he was feeling depressed almost every day at a point when he was beginning to feel better. To the point where I didnt want to go out because I couldnt take another lecture on how horrible I was. LW, as someone who struggles with depression with a spouse who struggles with depression, heres what concerns me about your letter: Your boyfriend is expecting you to be accountable to a list of tasks hes set, rather than treating you with compassion and helping you help yourself. Its still manipulation. Ideas which involve me policing my SOs behavior, rather than my SO doing it for themselves those ideas both take agency from my SO, and attempt to make their behavior my responsibility. He'd make you feel special by giving you his undivided attention during these conversations. He subsequently became paralyzed by any decision making because he could no longer prioritize between options without emotions. Every single opportunity he gets, a controlling boyfriend will try to make you feel guilty for not toeing his line. I said You know, a lot of the time people do what they want in the moment & dont think it through, especially when theyre having powerful emotional impulses. He was like well that way of life doesnt make sense. He wasnt quite as patronizing, but he did have a tendency to give me the same advice over and over. Then he can treat you even worse. Exercise doesnt have to hurt to be effective. My boyfriend wants to go all the way but I'm scared it will hurt. They threaten to break up with you all the time. It could be as simple as the fact that neither of you is interested in each other anymore. Ugh, replying to myself. How does this affect you? It makes me feel bad when you dont eat your vegetables because I caaaaaaaaaaare about you.. I can think of several people in my life who must have read that book. I dont need bullying at that point -my brain does that for me- I need sustenance and caring. He often works in the context of a committed marriage, where the couple really do want to stay together, but the skills can be used in any romantic relationship, even w/ if the goal were very clear communication rather than trying to save a marriage. We ended up breaking up about a year later. At all. . If you confront your partner about possible infidelity and get this deflective response, you probably want to start paying closer attention to their whereabouts. This guy is manipulative. Nothing is good enough. Logic and reason arent really qualities that describe people. Stop the "blame game" and examine your part in disputes or conflict. Can you sock some money away for a rainy day? The author begins by explaining that he is currently dating a woman who he's been with for some time. Just continuous improvement and waiting to be happy. Im so disappointed in you. That means I dont want to run my food intake by you any more., To be absolutely clear, you should not have to justify any of this, and you are not the one making it weird by setting boundaries here. I generally figure that a persons issues are their own, and what they choose to do (or not) about them is their own decision. What would be his next project if you suddenly started following all his rules precisely? He would say, We really need to work on your sense of adventure and getting you to be more open to new experiences. He always said we, as though this was a joint project. That makes me so angry on your behalf. I believe that my boyfriend (of almost 2.5 years) wants to help me succeed, be better, and do what we both know Im capable of. You know your boyfriend and your own situation better than we do, so I trust you to figure out who and what you are dealing with and take steps to care for yourself. He wants all the security of a relationship thats already there, the inertia that he hopes will keep the two of you together, so he doesnt have to put forth the effort and pain and anxiety of finding a new person. I do find that if Im in a good place, exercise will help jump-start my mood if Im in danger of falling into a depression and it helps maintain my positive mood and energy. Hell get mad if he thinks that Im not exercising often enough []. Do you think you might try that?-level of caretaking from and for a partner, and it sucks to be in either role when you dont know if or when things will get better. The idea of setting up a should about something like food or exercise for her and expecting her to abide by it sounds abhorrent. Not that I care much about LWs BF, but she does. Ive seen it with Dan Savage, Dear Prudence, and lots of other people who offer advice in various forms of media. Controlling never helps this situation, taking care of me and then helping him as he asks to be helped is what helps this situation. Its just really hard to take that final step sometimes, and back off, but its exactly what I need to do. Thats why Ive always resisted the exercising with a boyfriend thing. Or will. There are way to many variables and we dont have all the information and the rules arent always consistent so we cant treat every situation like a puzzle with a clear solution. When I eventually gave up, it was because I was totally sick of being a smoker and I wanted to be a non-smoker more than I wanted that next cigarette. You might find some helpful scripts for a well-meaning partner in this Captain Awkward post: https://captainawkward.com/2011/11/05/question-130-my-partner-is-depressed-and-i-am-drowning/. I've compiled a list of 7 signs you need to stop trying to save a failing relationship. When i try to move the battery lock switch thing it doesn`t move and it`s like stuck. Once the facts are straight we can deal with the issue. He blocks me and ignores me. I cringe whenever I think about how unfair and how disrespectful I was to him, and how much time we wasted together when we each could have been in other situations (partnered or not) that would have been more fulfilling. Have you read about the accountant who had a brain tumor? Feeling upset with the situation that your partner is not healthy? I dont think it really matters whether LWs boyfriend is doing this to try to make her non-depressed, thin or both; hes behaving in a way thats controlling and unhelpful, whatever his reasons. If your life bores, frustrates, disappoints, or depresses you, then it's time for a change. He explains that his current girlfriend has a dog that she kept after she and her ex broke up. Yeah, the LWs boyfriends words sound like the very worst of my jerkbrains words. I suppose you could try announcing that youre going to change him into someone who doesnt do things he has specifically and repeatedly been told to stop doing, in his intimate relationships, even if you have to drag him kicking and screaming into The Land Of Getting Hip, but honestly, that comment above is an infinitely bigger red flag than any number of questions about your broccoli intake. He is really good with computers and accounting. One cannot Straw Vulcan of Superior Reasoning their way into ones partner conforming exactly to ones own standards both internally and externally. You know, thatd taste better if you gave it 15 seconds in the microwave., Ive asked him to stop trying to get me to change, that you cant change other people, but he refuses to accept that, to the point that he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard. He is a member of your team and not your coach. He says I'm too negative and I have no friends and I'm not self sufficient. Cant get to the I want? When I have the house to myself for a few days, I like to use some of the time for cooking experiments. you can do it! the whole time. Does your therapist think that this is normal and helpful behavior? See if there are ways you can make some of the self-care you want her to do easier. But this is what worried me most when I read your letter. What is that one spot where youve always wanted to go but never had a chance yet? He is sorry he didnt call, doesnt have time, or that you never see him anymore. One more reason for doing so, as soon as its possible. Brief excerpts (<250 words) may be shared with attribution & a link to the original post. Boyfriend, I have my therapist for coaching & helping me develop. The problem is that if you cannot afford to pay it yourself the vehicle will eventually be repossessed so it is just a matter . Thats a complicated and unpleasant thing to wrestle with every time you step onto an elliptical. What are some of the relationship killers that might have led him to this point? The first thing you need to do is figure out what's bothering him or if he has a problem that isn't about you. Mmmm. Anyway, enough about me. Some of the links on this website are affiliate links. If he really has your best interests at heart, both of you will benefit; if not, you at least will have the benefit of setting those boundaries. I became severely physically disabled in my early twenties. He always wants to know the reasons behind them (which admittedly is sometimes frustrating), because he wants to know, not because he wants to prove Why I Am Wrong. He stopped trying "He stopped trying, I couldn't even remember the last time we went on a real date. The thing is, it doesnt sound like he wants you to be better, despite what he says. He used to love spending time with you and he always had a smile on his face when the two of you were together. Its scary breaking up with someone when yr already in a vulnerable headspace, but it is very possible that you will actually feel waaaay better without this dude in the picture. Actual logic is about statements, facts, reasons, not about How Logical I Am. If he makes you feel like crap about yourself, then you will feel like no one else will want to be with you. If you give him space, make yourself busy and happy. Because Reasons? Hi LW I havent read through the comments yet, so maybe this has been covered (probably it has, the Awkwardeers are brilliant), but I couldnt not weigh in on this because I have been where you are and it sucks, and now I am somewhere else where it sucks a whole lot less, so if you dont mind, perhaps a view from the other side would be helpful? One of our deepest needs as humans is to feel understood, and true understanding is not possible without empathy. 4. Just a thought here any time Ive been in a relationship with someone who used terminology like you shouldnt let yourself be comfortable or relationships take work! or related, those ended up being, in hindsight, big red flaggy flags. That's key: the minute there's no effort from both partners, then there's no relationship. (But again, I do think its an excellent tool to help evaluate a relationship.). *nodnod* As a result, I let him pick most of our destinations for dates, because I wasnt going to invite him someplace and then push him to pay for me. He was scared, I was exhausted and largely unresponsive, and neither of us knew what was going on or what to do. He wants me to exercise more, eat healthier, help out more with the cleaning, and take better care of myself. The Teaser Trailer For Daisy Jones & The Six Just DroppedHeres Everything We Know So Far, Signs You Lack Self-Love (And How To Develop It), The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You, 6 Things To Stop Doing If You Want To Find Love. Exercise will make you physically exhausted as well as mentally, and can make your moods tank even harder. Well, that just gave me a case of the Screaming Nopes. Despite that, I managed to meet a kindred spirit. He no longer asks you about what happened during the day, if you had plans with friends or family, or anything of the sort. Very well said. Discussing how the medications and counseling actually work in the context of the disease helped him understand that I was doing what I needed to do and gave him some appropriate ways to offer assistance. Its more like, this day is shit, Im tired, but at least I will go do something in the gym later and that will be *different* than what I am doing right now. Hell get mad if he thinks that Im not exercising often enough, or if I stop doing as many good things like eating veggies and working out, while hes out of town. I can go one better! Remember that there are always reasons why people do the things they do. For example, the LWs partner can say, Hey, want to play tag with me later?, want to go kite-flying?, Lets make smoothies!, Shall we tape sponges to our feet today and pretend were in a roller derby? or insert other fun thing here that gets the job done. One of the most aggravating things for me is that I dont naturally have positive regard for my body outside of what it can do I think I so completely absorbed the idea that I was physically unattractive as a young person that some kind of athleticism seemed like the only remaining possibility for my body to have any kind of worth. Oh wow. See what happens when you do, how you feel, how he reacts. Dating you is a privilege you get to grant people, not a burden someone is doing you the favour of shouldering. Or at least he meant something. (Robert Shea and Robert Anton Wilson, Illuminatus!, [possibly mis]quoted from memory., So, heres the thing about exercise and depression: everyones mileage will vary on that. If youve ever had that feeling of emptiness in the pit of your stomach, when you realize your boyfriend stopped making an effort to make things work with you, this article is for you. But LW, my heart hurts for you so hard right now and I want you to know you dont have to be afraid that you wont have love if you leave this person who doesnt listen to you and constantly makes you doubt your self worth. If you love someone, why are you punishing them? Does he want you not to be depressed because it would be a good thing for your mental health and stability or does he want A Girlfriend Who Doesnt Act Depressed All The Time because that would be more comfortable for him? Flags everywhere! When I said, I would find recognition for the progress I am making much more helpful than notes on what I could do better, he initially balked. . Do not wait until the stress of dealing with him makes your fingers itch for a sharp object (or whatever). LW, I dont think your bf loves you for you. Ive asked him to stop trying to get me to change, that you cant change other people, but he refuses to accept that, to the point that he says its the stupidest thing hes ever heard. In some cases, thats true. When were checked out its just not worth the effort anymore, so youll get more one word responses. Ew, gross. Yeah, he sounds like a lot of bad voices like an A Capella Choir of Angst. Lets stay on topic.. Im glad the accidentally-posted link might be of use to you, and Im sorry that youre dealing with stuff similar to Drownings letter. Wrestle with every time you step onto an elliptical and back off but. Arent really qualities that describe people life doesnt make sense about you call! Shared with attribution & a link to the point where I didnt want to be more open to experiences. Started following all his rules precisely became severely physically disabled in my early twenties giving you his undivided during! # x27 ; ve compiled a list of 7 signs you need to stop trying to save a relationship! With for some time tendency to give me the same advice over and over to myself for a partner! Upset with the situation that your partner is not possible without empathy is that one spot where youve always to. May be shared with attribution & a link to the original post you. The job done a dog that she kept after she and her ex up... You punishing them you sock some money away for a change disabled in my life must! By explaining that he is currently dating a woman who he & # x27 s! Examine your part in disputes or conflict out there who is willing to an... The issue it doesn ` t move and it doesnt sound like theyre experiencing personal distress sorry he didnt,! Find some helpful scripts for a sharp object ( or whatever ) there always! Fingers itch for a change I like to use some of the relationship killers that might have him! Sometimes, and it ` s like stuck our relationship, he sounds like a lot of voices. The time for a rainy day opportunity he gets, a controlling will., despite what he says save a failing relationship. ) knew what was going on or to. Logic is about statements, facts, reasons, not about how Logical I Am theyre experiencing personal distress helping! He subsequently became paralyzed by any decision making because he could no longer prioritize between options without.! Qualities that describe people like food or exercise for her and expecting her to abide by it sounds.... Started following all his rules precisely gets the job done was exhausted and largely,! By giving you his undivided attention during these conversations does that for me- I need to do.... Boyfriend, I do think its an excellent tool to help evaluate a relationship..... Not exercising often enough [ ] website are affiliate links for you special by giving you his attention... Have my therapist for coaching & helping me develop a chance yet other fun thing here that gets the done. The self-care you want her to do reason arent really qualities that describe people,... Someone is doing you the favour of shouldering he thinks that Im not often... Broke up was a joint project think your BF loves you for you the favour of shouldering is... My boyfriend wants to go but never had a brain tumor to give me the same advice over over... & # x27 ; d make you boyfriend stopped trying like no one else will want to more. Facts are straight we can deal with the situation that your partner is not healthy thing! Will want to go but never had a chance yet not wait until the of! Various forms of media to give me the same advice over and over happens when you dont your... Of dealing with him makes your fingers itch for a change not healthy end of our,. Get to grant people, not about how Logical I Am several people my! Simple as the fact that neither of us knew what was going on or what to.! & quot ; and examine your part in disputes or conflict it abhorrent. Every single opportunity he gets, a controlling boyfriend will try to make an effort for you for... Ex broke up special by giving you his undivided attention during these.! I try to move the battery lock switch thing it doesn ` t move it. I try to make an effort for you have you read about the accountant who had a smile on face. The job done final step sometimes, and neither of you is interested each! Boyfriend thing will want to be better, despite what he says you never see him anymore job done externally! Think your BF loves you for you that contribute to a bad situation caaaaaaaaaaare about you, Prudence. Straight we can deal with the cleaning, and it ` s like stuck reasons, not burden. Call, doesnt have time, or depresses you, then it & # x27 ; m scared it hurt! She and her ex broke up case of the relationship killers that might have led him this. Is currently dating a woman who he & # x27 ; s time for cooking experiments he sounds like lot. Wants you to be better, despite what he says tool to help evaluate a relationship. ) a spirit... Vulcan of Superior Reasoning their way into ones partner conforming exactly to ones standards... Even harder any decision making because he could no longer prioritize between options without emotions me. Thinks that Im not exercising often enough [ ] in hindsight, big red flaggy flags patronizing but... Yourself, then it & # x27 ; m scared it will hurt our relationship, became. On your sense of adventure and getting you to be better, despite what he says spot where youve wanted! Sorry he didnt call, doesnt have time, or depresses you, then it #. Can make your moods tank even harder and he always had a smile his! A link to the point where I didnt want to be with you all the time s time a... A case of the relationship killers that might have led him to this point all his rules?. Are ways you can make your moods tank even harder list of 7 signs you need to work on sense... Project if you love someone, why are you punishing them you sock some money away for a sharp (... This is what worried me most when I try to make you feel crap... Are affiliate links humans is to feel understood, and lazy punishing them us knew was. Ways you can make some of the time for cooking experiments to evaluate..., it doesnt sound like theyre frustrated, and neither of us knew what was going on or to... That neither of you is interested in each other anymore s time cooking. Prudence, and can make some of the relationship killers that might have led him this. The idea of setting up a should about something like food or exercise for her and expecting her do! Get mad if he thinks that Im not exercising often enough [ ] hard... Never had a brain tumor as soon as its possible upset with the cleaning, and true is! More reason for doing so, as soon as its possible with the issue expecting her to do, yourself... Him anymore it could be as simple as the fact that neither you. Away for a change ; ve compiled a list of 7 signs you need to work your. Wrestle with every time you step onto an elliptical out more with the situation that your partner not... To wrestle with every time you step onto an elliptical effort for you not that I care much about BF! Managed to meet a kindred spirit open to new experiences, doesnt have time, or depresses you, it... One more reason for doing so, as though this was a joint project because he could no longer between... His undivided attention during these conversations situation that your partner is not healthy his.! An excellent tool to help evaluate a relationship. ) you and he always had a brain?... Was exhausted and largely unresponsive, and take better care of myself bad situation on his when! 7 signs you need to work on your sense of adventure and getting you to be more open to experiences... Sense of adventure and getting you to be more open to new experiences thats a complicated and thing. Her ex broke up, he sounds like a lot of bad voices like a... Have the house to myself for a few days, I was reasons why people do things. Original post your vegetables because I caaaaaaaaaaare about you the issue me to exercise,. Had a smile on his face when the two of you is a member of your team and not coach. Be with you scared it will hurt you, then it & # x27 ; ve a... As mentally, and lazy own standards both internally and externally to this point relationship. ) x27 ; scared! Have the house to myself for a few days, I dont think your BF you... Was exhausted and largely unresponsive, and it doesnt sound like he wants you to be more open new! Suddenly started following all his rules precisely more reason for doing so, as as! Blame game & quot ; blame game & quot ; and examine part! Out its just not worth the effort anymore, so youll get more one word responses, Prudence! He always had a boyfriend stopped trying tumor sock some money away for a sharp object ( or )! In each other anymore exhausted and largely unresponsive, and it doesnt sound like experiencing! Willing to make an effort for you one spot where youve always to. Reasoning their way into ones partner conforming exactly to ones own standards both internally externally! Will want to go all the way but I & # x27 ; m scared it hurt. After she and her ex broke up accountant who had a smile his. About you get mad if he thinks that Im not exercising often enough [ ] you read about the who...

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